My advice to me growing up

 Oh, if only it were possible to talk to me when I was younger and thinking I knew it all already. I have been coaching for over 35 years (yeah I can’t believe it either), and there are things that I know now that I never could have known then. I had a few coaches come in and out of my career, I never really could say that anyone specific was the guy.

So I never had insight shared with me by someone who really knew me.  A coach doesn’t only teach you skills and take you from competition to competition, season to season. A coach is one of your best and most trustworthy advisors. The men and women who coached me, even for short times, provided me with wisdom and insight that I would never hear from anyone else; or if I did, I likely wouldn’t listen because they weren’t my coach. As a coach, if I could talk to younger me, knowing how I was so hungry to learn, so in search of perfection, so scared of success and failure, and so in need of validation; here is what I would address.

Would you trust this guy’s advice?

First out, it may seem like the world has conspired against you, but it hasn’t.  No one thinks that you are so important that they all got together to hold a meeting on how your life should go. So get that out of your head. The decisions you make will lead you to opportunities, and action on those opportunities will determine what actually happens. That’s it. No conspiracy, no meetings. You may have been given a hard set of cards, but stop complaining about the deal and play your hand. If the game seems like it’s not going to go well with your cards, then make your own game. You after all, get to decide whether you are happy or sad, aggressive or passive, a success or a failure. That’s a lot of responsibility, take it seriously.

Be the guy that does 11 when the coach asks for 10. Don’t point it out, don’t brag about working harder, just quietly do it. The extra 10% will add up and even if it doesn’t mean that you win a meet, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did your best and it’s really not asking for a lot, is it?  Your best effort will be your prize. All of your awards, medals, and trophies will eventually be lost after being packed in a box in the basement so how important could they be?  Yes, there will be those people that do better than you and work only half as much. You don’t get to control their story and their life will matter only minimally to yours, in time your 10% will make a difference and you can be satisfied that it wasn’t luck, or someone else that got you where you are, it’s all you.

Don’t be afraid of what’s next. Crave it. Look for the next step, the next skill, the next opportunity. When you sit back and relax, happy that you completed a phase or a season you have to realize that that moment of reflection is a needed temporary respite from the labor of progress, but it’s the chase, the work, and the desire for growth that is where you will find real joy. Always ask “what’s next?”

The sport is a game. Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. The judgment is based on your performance at a given time, in a given place with a given set of circumstances. That’s not your life, it’s a game, a show. Treat it like what it is, it’s a fun reason to show off what you can do. Sometimes you will land on your butt, sometimes you will be amazing. Both times are just for fun, do your best, that’s it.

Appreciate the rough times, that’s where the most valuable lessons will come from. Instead of feeling bad and trying to get someone to pity you, look deeper and see what you can learn from whatever is happening. Your education never ends because every day will throw you a new chance to learn something. You may have to look for lessons some days though, but don’t be discouraged, they are there.

It’s OK that you don’t fit in. It’s better to be separated and be yourself than to try so hard to fit in and be in a group. Go ahead, get the earring, read your books, listen to your weird music and wear your hair long, wait until you see what happens.

Mom is usually right, she may be a little nutty, but she has seen life and she knows what time it is. Listen to her.  Oh, but don’t sweat that she doesn’t like your girlfriends, it’s just that she always thinks no one is good enough for you. She’s wrong on that, you will find the right one, trust me and just be patient.

Lastly, everything will be fine. There will be times when you feel like you are sliding backwards. You’re not. You can’t always progress, sometimes you may slow down, that’s OK. There will be times too, to be sure, that you feel that everything is perfect. That’s not right either. Never will it all be perfect, never will you allow it to fail. It all is going to be fine because it will come out just as you imagine it to be. Remember when I said that you have the responsibility to be happy or sad, to be a success or a failure? This is when it applies. Imagine what you want and make it so. Even if it doesn’t come out perfect it will be better than if you never cared one way or another.  There is nothing as satisfying as knowing that everything is just the way it should be, because you made it so.

Now go climb the rope, you need upper body strength.

 

 

Reality television is nothing like reality

This weekend the series Coaching Bad premiered on Spike TV. I had to watch it.

In a nutshell, several coaches from various sports are brought together to work with an anger counselor. This is all done under watchful former NFL player and current motivational speaker Ray Lewis. There were some real characters: a speed coach that races his athletes and berates them when they can’t keep up, a volleyball coach who got fired because of her abusive actions, a hockey coach/referee that hit a child with a stick when the child pushed him, a football coach that routinely wrestles his players (under 12 years old) to the ground, and a few others. They all call their kids names, tell them they are worthless, and dole out punishments for any and every reason, and this is what passes for a TV series?

I take issue with two things in this show and the very premise of it. First, and quite simply, these people will not change that easily; if at all. These people are reinforced when they are abusive, intolerant, dictators and you can’t turn a mess that big around with one show and a few “motivational moments”. Though the show is trying to demonstrate that they have the power to make bad coaches into good, the fact is that these people will likely return to their habits and negative personalities as soon as the cameras are off.

Next, I take issue with presenting coaches that are so far gone that they become caricatures of a stereotypical “bad coach.” They are presented to us as representative of a profession that really should be held to high standards. As parents we want to best for our children. We want the coach that can get the best results out of our children and we want the coaches that helps us raise our children to be successful and strong.  We live in fear that the person working with our child  could be a negative influence on our most precious children. But the fear is easily played on and we are manipulated. The truth is that 99% of coaches are there to encourage children, training the skills but also caring for the child as a person. These television shows that play on our fears lead us to believe that there is a villain, more awful than we can possibly imagine, around every corner. It’s simply not true. I am in the profession and I have seen good coaches and bad, yes they do exist. But we give so much attention to the bad behavior that we make people feel that it is typical. We never spend any energy on praising the good coaches. Where is the series that shows a coach that goes above and beyond for an athlete? Where is the series that glorifies the men and women who spend their weekends working with OUR children? It’s sad to me that these fear tactics always get the most attention and they beget more of the same.

Since Gymfinity opened we have been approached twice by television producers who were pitching a series idea of middle to high level gymnasts training for championships. We were interviewed, screen tested, and had to do video interviews with a few parents to submit for evaluation. Well, to summarize, we were too normal. During the process (from the second company) I was asked to provide a list of parents that are very “engaged” in their child’s performance. I was asked if we had any parents with alcohol concerns. (What?) I was asked how often I raise my voice in the gym and what a typical “Punishment” would be if a child didn’t perform well. When all of these red flags went up, I decided to pull the plug on the project. They didn’t want the reality of children working hard, sweating, straining, and dreaming of bigger things. They wanted another Abby from Dance Moms, a villain that an audience would hate. (PS, I have a friend that knows Abby from Dance Moms and she assures me that the show is 90% staged, as Abby is nothing like that in real life).  The upside of providing what they were looking for would be fame and fortune, Abby’s studio is at record enrollment because people are buying into the show’s version of reality. But what does that say about the parents who enroll their children in what they believe is a potentially abusive program? Oy vey, the problem is deeper than a bad coach.

One character on the Coaching Bad show actually says (paraphrased) that this is how football is coached, the parents don’t get that, but the kids love it. That is when my reality meter broke. The kids don’t love it, they live in fear of you. Your reality is distorted and you are a freak. But there was some truth; the parents of his team, in reality, don’t get it. They value the trophy over their child’s happiness. If they don’t get that their own priorities are mixed up then that is a potential new series. But the disclaimer is that those parents, like these coaches, are freaks and are not typical. In order to get the TV folks to stop glorifying these freaks and these fears we need to stop watching what they put in front of us.

 

Every moment is a teachable moment

I was a nerd in school. My mother was a librarian and so any books that were assigned by teachers were read. Cliff notes were not an option. Now as an adult, I utilize book summaries, and sadly am addicted to audio books (while working out). My mother would cringe and ask if I forgot how to read a “real” book.  So with apologies to my mother, I will offer the “cliff” version of a parenting/management manual. I have always felt that whether I am managing my team athletes, my staff or my own children that these axioms are invaluable. So here is the abrev. vers. of my manual.

We are the teachers of children: Understand that your child is in fact, a child. They are made from experiences that you have provided. Whether they are frustrating or a generator of great pride remember that you had a hand in it. Every time I have to “direct” my children I have to remember that I am the parent and they are the children. I have an obligation to teach them from every experience. If every moment is a teachable moment than it is up to me to be the instructor.

Attaining Mindshare: Our kids are hit with so much input every day. (see the post “The Battle for our Children” August 27, 2014). If we just throw input at them they will eventually callus over and all that effort on our part ends up falling on closed ears. I always remember that in marketing the rule is to get what’s called “Mindshare” a message must be seen 8 times. With that as my guide I set out to repeat the most important messages several times knowing that eventually I will attain Mindshare. Messages of lesser importance often fall away after being said and/or acted on immediately. “Clean your room” is a direction that calls for action, as opposed to “picking up your floor makes it safe for me to come in at night and kiss you goodnight.” The latter message might need several deliveries, but because kids are so overloaded with messages from all sides, I have to be patient enough to repeat myself…..a lot.

Me and the boys (vintage picture: 2010)

Look for Common Ground: Every day, seek a common areas of interest. My kids might find it very important to tell me about how their Lego guy makes pizza in the same room where he parks his laser guided hover-cycle and though I may not have a lot of interest in the Lego-verse,  I need to find the interest because it’s important to my kids. I feel that finding common ground is laying a framework for communication skills both now and in the future. This, finding the DMZ, exercise is an investment for tomorrow that takes a little effort today.

Talk to them like little adults, not children: Every day, try to have a conversation with your child that illustrates how “people” talk. It is a pet peeve of mine to hear adults baby-talk to their children. Children learn language skills by listening to you and emulating your speech. When we dumb down our conversations or change our speech patterns we are doing a dis-service to the widdle cutey wooties with our big BIG words that widdl-ums can’t understand. Honestly, isn’t this nauseating? Would you talk to any adult like this?  Also by having real conversations you can reinforce behaviors or implement changes if their behavior is not what you want. Either way, a conversation, just like you talk with your friends, will incorporate the concepts of Instruction, Mindshare, and Common Ground.

Compassion is a taught skill: Look for every opportunity to teach it. The best way to teach it to another person is to demonstrate it. There will be times when things don’t go right and your child is feeling bad, sad, or mad. Our job is to not discredit the sentiment but to be the shoulder they cry on. Compassion is basically allowing a person to feel and trying to see things from the perspective of those feelings. “All moments are teachable moments”, I said that earlier, but sometime the lesson is simply, “I know you are down. I feel for you.” Children learn from this and will eventually emulate your compassion with others. This makes them invaluable as friends, admirable as adults, and definable as good people.

There is a reverse to this suggestion too. If you are one to complain about people, speak negatively about them, or belittle them: you are still teaching, and you will see the pay off of those lessons too. And that payoff likely won’t make you proud, but still you need to understand it was you that taught it to them. Well done Jerk Face, you are so stupid. (awkward isn’t it?)

“Dad, I’m not you.”: One of the hardest things for me to understand sometimes is that my child is not me. Everyone always says, “Oh he’s just like you.” But I have to remember that they are not me, nor will I ever want them to be. They will arrive at who they are by experience and learning. I got where I am the same way. I can’t expect them to love gymnastics because I do. I can’t expect them to take over the business one day, or love cauliflower casserole just because I do. That is so unrealistic. So the perspective is that they will do, say, and think things differently than you do. That has to be OK because it’s the differences in people, even our kids, that makes them special.

Making kids feel smart guarantees that they will become smarter: Every day I try to say something to make my kids feel smart. Compliments are great and reinforcing good behavior is important, but complimenting intellect is essential. It’s so simple: “I forgot how much you knew about the Statue of Liberty”, “You really made a cool Lego house, I love the combination pizza oven/hover cycle parking room. How did you think of that?”, “You know how to use the lawn mower, can you help me out?” These are all statements that point out that the child is a smart, thoughtful and creative person.  The old teaching adage of What we notice gets repeated, really applies. When we notice good brain power a child strives to provide us more impressive traits to recognize.

In the beginning I said that these are suggestions work for team kids and children in general. They apply, with some tweaking to building and maintaining a staff of employees too. Like a team gymnast who is training for higher levels, or a staff person who seeks more responsibility or a pay adjustment, training is required. I see children as adults in training, and every interaction is a potential lesson on how to be a good grown up. I see adults as teachers and like it or not, we are, in fact, always teaching. My suggestions are axioms that I aspire to live by, they are not for all people, and some you may even disagree with. OK. I can learn to live with that.

 

 

A note from me about Success

Every year I write notes of encouragement to my competitive team kids, hoping that maybe some blue day that the little nugget might bolster their spirits. I was looking up some quotes on working through problems, perseverance, and success but the notes I was making for myself turned into a blog post instead.

All of the people I researched said similar things: “work hard” (Vince Lombardi), “do it now” (Mark Twain and Thomas Edison), and “keep challenging yourself” (Richard Branson). But these were cliché and I felt that they were just a “given”, meaning they all elicited a No Kidding response when I found them.  Work and determination are characteristics that are pounded out in every speech these kids hear. So I anticipated a “yeah yeah yeah” response if I themed it that way. I personally believe that people do want challenge but only if there is a great possibility of beating it. We don’t mind a good challenge as long as we get a self-esteem bump when it’s done. We are so fixated on winning that we can’t see that sometimes there is more value in being faced down by a challenge than in facing the challenge down. Challenge is a possible theme but sometimes it beats us, and that’s OK in my book. So maybe not challenge as a theme.

So I looked into the opposite side of the coin. What not to do, to be successful. But there were the same cliché responses. Steve Jobs said “Don’t waste time (do it now), don’t waste it living someone else’s life or living someone else’s thinking (dogma).  Bill Gates said to succeed that we cannot fear change. (actually he said: with time people will learn to accept their silicone masters -as a joke). But the points of each Gates and Jobs are true, we need independence, creative thought, and to be open to change. Again, no kidding was all I could muster. So no-go on Gates or Jobs.

You have the luxury to choose your own outcome.

Winston Churchill said that we shouldn’t shirk from criticism, because it calls attention to what needs attention. I like that. He said it’s like pain in the body, when we feel it, we know what to attend to first. I like it but after further thinking I thought that my job is to criticize gymnasts. “Make it higher, make it faster, better, but do one more, and point your toes” are all critiques and so I felt utilizing Churchill was like saying “Listen to me.” The reality is that I coach great kids and they are respectful, hard working, and dedicated. I rarely have to say “listen to me” because they already do. So sorry Winston, you didn’t make the cut.

So I came up with this, hopefully it’s new enough thinking to make them pay attention. Hopefully it’s motivating, and hopefully it’s positive..

You have the luxury to choose your own outcome, to stick your own label on at the end of the day. You have the power to define victory, the strength to affect your own evaluation, and you alone should set your standard for your performance.

If you set out to beat other people then you will only experience defeat, even as they hang a medal around your neck. If you set out to get a medal or a trophy you will not be satisfied even when it’s handed to you. Your victory will only come when you have defined it’s terms.

I have told you all that losers are the ones who gave up, they never learn and aren’t open to lessons from loss. That won’t be you.

I believe that there are Winners and there are Learners. If you come out less than you anticipated then you must define your plan to return for the next attempt and guarantee yourself better results. And since winners determine their own definition of victory, then your definition, regardless of medals or trophies, should be to learn from every experience. When you are open to learning, you can NEVER lose.

 

See also: Our gym page at Gymfinity.com

why you should slow down on fast food

Look, gloves off, here is the straight scoop about fast food. I have written before how fast food is more a function of economics over taste or preference. I myself am not a total stranger to the drive through window, but I know that I indulge in that only once or twice a month.  Also, I am under no illusion that I am getting real food, I know I am filling my gut for a short term solution to a time crunch, period.

We all know that a regular diet that includes fast food will lead to  weight gain and can increase the likelihood of developing diabetes. That’ s a fact, and if you didn’t know that…..well, now you do.

Her’s another fact: let’s start with breakfast. Fast food eggs are made of dimethylpolysiloxane (found in lubricants and silly putty) and gycerin (found in soap). Though it might be better to just eat the soap and lube because other menu items might be surprising too. For instance, most fast food burgers contain only about 2 to 14% real meat. Most of the patty is chemical filler, that’s why they don’t spoil. When something doesn’t rot, you can bet it’s not organic or natural.  So forget the beef, get the chicken.

looks harmless

Maybe not. “Dad, which part of the chicken is the nugget?” Great question. It’s actually from various parts. In fact it’s from a process called mechanical separation: which is made from a slimy soup created from processed bones and other unusable carcass parts. (Mmmm right?) So, skip the chicken and go for a salad.

Hold the fork because even the salad choices are suspect. For example, a BK salad is 500 calories with 28 grams of fat and a day’s worth of sodium. But sadly still, probably your best choice. But often the salads are loaded with High Fructose Corn Syrup, a cheap sweetener (definitely in the soft drinks and desserts) and a study from Princeton showed HFCS as a major cause of obesity.

Did you also know that fast food can be addictive? Yup, a study by Garber & Lustig shows a correlation of addictive behavior and fast food consumption. The CDC explains that obesity has gone up 100% in children and 300% in adolescents since 1984. So let’s connect the dots: HFCS causes obesity, HFCS is in many fast food menu options. Obesity is in a raging increase. Draw your conclusion.

For a healthy choice for your kids see: Our gym page at Gymfinity.com

the battle for control of our children

I was a health teacher in a middle school. I said the same thing to my health students, boys and girls, as I do to my team kids and my own children today. “Losing control of yourself is the worst thing that can happen to you. Whether you lose control to another person, like a boyfriend or girlfriend, or to a thing like alcohol or a drug; not being able to determine what you do is the worst position you can be in.” I believe that we should be empowering children for their life.

I feel that we are fighting an uphill battle. Not in regard to drugs or drink, though that could be argued. I feel that we have to realize the impact of what our kids see in marketing messages. Girls particularly have so much to overcome to get to a point where they can feel OK about themselves. From the get-go, they hear that they are not attractive and attractive is all that matters. They are not fashionable, and fashion is matters. They are not strong, and strength only comes with satisfying your man.  These are all wrong.

We need to unite as A.A..C’s (Adults Affecting Children)* in teaching children that they are OK just the way they are; and despite the advertising world trying to make them feel inadequate, they are just fine. They need to understand that no matter what they wear, where they go, or who they see, it is the person inside that people should know. It is only by letting others know who we are inside that we can find if they are friends or not. If not, then too bad for the lost friend, you didn’t need them anyway.

So when we see a company advertising to our children that they are somehow not good enough or incomplete without a given product, we need to understand that the company is trying to control our children’s minds. They are forming those kid’s thought realities.  When you are school shopping, watch the messages that your kids hear. Explain to them that the first day of school is just another day, it’s not a pageant and it’s not to judge the other kids by what they have or don’t have, wear or don’t wear.  Lets empower them to be strong, independent, and unaffected by high pressure marketing. We need to be there to bring our kids back to the truth. Can we all agree on that? Please. I can’t do it alone.

* Yes we do all have an effect on children but A.A.C. is not a real title or organization, it’s just me being hilarious**

** I often feel that I am funny, and I am really quite funny in my own mind. When I write things like that it’s best to  just smile and nod.

See also: Our gym page at Gymfinity.com

Over-rewarded and under-trained.

In high school I had a 3.8 grade point and I can only remember taking books home a few times. Success at our school was basically showing up, listening, doing the minimal work assigned and succeeding. Then I went to college and was shown, in no short time, that just showing up wasn’t enough. I started college with a 2.1 G.P.A. and nearly lost my place on the gymnastics team.

My son’s compete in Trampoline and Tumbling and have been in the USTA (United States Trampoline/Tumbling Association) for the last 2 years. In their competitions every child wins a trophy, recently the switched to medals at some meets due to cost, (USTA, my overcrowded shelves thank you). Today, participation trophies are expected by the kids and parents, in fact I heard a mom actually complain when her kid got a medal instead of a trophy. I guess to her the value was in the goodie bag and not the party (sorry, for the birthday party reference).

Studies have shown that the science of the over-rewarding of children is indisputable;.  Ashley Merryman (with Po Bronson, author of “NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children” and “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing”) reports that awards can be powerful motivators, but nonstop recognition does not inspire children to succeed. In fact it can cause them to underachieve.  By the age of 4 kids have already figured out that some kids are good at a performance and some are not. And it is true that we often see the kids who are not proficient can get frustrated and drop out. But we also see that kids who excel often feel cheated when everyone is rewarded the same despite their talent or effort. The kids who excel also get frustrated and quit. Is that what we wanted?

Different activities, gymnastics being one that I can attest to, are more appealing because the participation is challenging. Not knowing if they will win, place or show is exciting. Knowing that an unpointed toe is the difference between 1st and 2nd place makes the details important. That adds value to the sport or activity and the time and effort spent training it. If every child in a meet received a trophy what is the motivation to learn, grow, try-fail-and try again?

Yes we do have an annual show at Gymfinity and every child gets a medal. But that is a show and every child is rewarded for participating. Never, during the course of the event, do we try to pass it off as a competition. I am aware that kids feel great when they are recognized; that is what the show is all about. It’s a time to show what you learned and not to be confused with what you can do in comparison to another person. That is competition, and that is where I have a concern.

Studies show that kids respond positively to praise; that point is not in contention. But Carol Dweck (Stanford University) tells us that children accustomed to regular praise of ability regardless of outcome will likely crumble at the first sign of difficulty, then demoralized by their failure the kids say that they would rather “cheat” next time then experience failing again. Is that what we want?

Having studied recent increases in narcissism and entitlement among college students, Jean Twenge, author of “Generation Me”  warns that we are setting up our children to believe that all it takes to succeed is to “show up”. I started by stating my high school rewarded me into that belief until reality (Actually it was reality and Dr. Parker) taught me differently. Had I not been raised to try harder when I failed, I would have quit school thinking that the system was rigged, or that it was too hard for a kid like me. I didn’t quit, in fact I graduated college with honors because I worked hard to reverse my poor start. In life, “you’re going to lose more often than you win, even if you’re good at something,” Ms. Twenge says, “You’ve got to get used to that to keep going.”

However, we have developed a system where we teach children that merely breathing at an event is worthy of reward. They are not allowed to fail and so they never learn the value of it.  Our goal should be to introduce kids to winning AND losing. We should show them that failure is a hurdle that can be overcome with effort. We need to value the growth and development over a longer time than focusing on the rewards that are offered for one moment in time.  My gymnasts are trained for meets 2 years down the road not for the meet that happens next week. They are trained to learn life lessons from the gymnastics model, winning a meet is a glorious byproduct but it cannot be the focus of training.  Of course meets are important and rewards should be given to those who earn them. But as adults we need to see that there is value in not winning, in fact, I believe that winning and losing both can be motivators to continue striving for excellence. With that as a philosophy how on Earth can we hand out trophies without meaning? Let me answer that: If rewards of no value will get children to quit, be frustrated, devalue participation, and ultimately be trained to believe that hard work, diligent focus and standing up after falling down have no value; then our goal must be to reverse everything our parents ever taught us.  Is that really what we want?   

Choosing sports

Kids today are faced with so many choices. When it comes to activities should they do an academic program (one of my sons does a Lego Robot class, the other takes Spanish)? Should they do community or volunteer programs? Should they do sports? If so which one? Swimming is a life skill. Tennis is a life-long activity. Gymnastics is a foundation for all other sports. Baseball is a great team sport that promotes socialization. So much to consider.

Understand also that if you choose the activity, or the sport for your child then the child doesn’t have any ownership in the decision. It becomes just another thing you tell them to do, like cleaning a room, picking up socks or taking out trash. If they have no input on the choice I will assure you that their participation will be short lived.

Sometimes kids just can’t make a decision. Then it is imperative that we offer some guidance. However, this is one of those things where we need o make kids feel that they are making a decision, even though we are guiding the process. We can look up YouTube videos of the sport being played, we can travel to competitions to watch, or we can read books (on paper? What?) about a sport. I have even had kids make lists of what they like and don’t like about sports and then guide the decision by offering positives and help the decision.  In my case, and with my children, my wife and I talked about our experiences in gymnastics. We talked about how fun it was for us, and all the things we learned by being gymnasts. (Oh, and I should add that we own the gym so it was convenient and cost effective as well as a natural progression of their built-in playground.)

Lastly, whatever the choice, let them play it out, so to speak. Maybe they find that they don’t really like it, like we experienced with soccer and basketball. But we made the kids finish the season because that was the commitment they made. They needed to know that decisions need to be followed by action. But now my kids have chosen sports and activities that they love and we encourage them in every way we can. Read back a few posts and review the post about When Parents Make Kids Love Sports. We need to let them know, win or lose, we love the fact that they are playing. 

When parents make kids love sports

I learned an invaluable lesson from the fine folks at Proactive Sports. No matter how my kids perform at a meet or a game I convey the message that I love to watch them play.  That concept is why kids often prefer that their grandparents come to see them in meets. They know that there is no judgment. The older, wiser grandparents convey appreciation for just getting on the floor or field. That makes kids feel great. Parents, as observed in the last post, are often critical of performance for many reasons  but mostly because they want their child to do better.  What I think is funny is that those same accepting grand folks that just love those kids to pieces were the same ones who railed on us for missing a catch or blowing a play. I guess there is something to be said for becoming wiser with age.

As you know from previous postings, I am a big believer in kids being in sport to help them develop into healthy and functional members of society; and in the last post I explained how parents sometimes inadvertently lead their kids away from sports. So it’s only fair that we discuss  a few things that will make them love the sports, love being a player and love you parents even more than they do.

First BE A TRUE FAN, at Gymfinity we encourage parents to cheer for good gymnastics where ever it may come from. We ask them to appreciate the performance of every kid at a meet, not just the kids from Gymfinity. If the parent loves the sport, the child will love doing the sport. Its that simple.

We also tell parents that when they are in the stands that they represent their daughter or son. Would your child be proud of your behavior?  There should be no bleacher talk or negative criticism of athletes, coaches, programs, judges, or meets. When your child see that you are supportive and positive it allows them to perform confidently knowing that when they do their best, you will accept it.  If kids have a bad meet or game, they know it, and they don’t need to hear from another person that it didn’t go well.  One of the best examples I can think of is when we travelled over 8 hours to a big meet and my gymnast did not perform optimally.  I discussed with her where we needed to apply our efforts before the next meet and we weighed out positives from the experience and lessons we could own from the negatives. She felt awful, but was accepting. When we went over by her mom and dad, her dad picked her up and hugged her without saying a word. The mom said, “where would you like to eat, your choice?” Unconditional, affectionate and accepting. Well done.

Lastly, at Gymfinity we explain that everyone has a role to play at a meet (or game). The athlete is there to perform. It’s what they trained for and they need our help to focus and give them their space to to do their job. The coaches job is to guide the athlete. All training should have been done before the meet/game and coaching at a competition should be limited to reinforcing performance. The coaches other job is to guarantee that the rules are working. If scores need to be questioned or inquiries made, the coach is on the job. Lastly the parent has a job too. They cheer. Period. Before, during, after. I believe that if we all respect each other’s jobs we will have a positive experience. If the roles get crossed there will be confusion and someone, or everyone,  is not going to be happy.

The advice from Proactive Coaching to tell your child that you love watching them play is so important. It validates their effort, allows them space to own their own sports. When your child is ready to talk about how the meet or game went, they will give you a window of opportunity to have that conversation. When you are invited, participate. It means that now they are ready to hear your opinion. But remember that your opinion is only your opinion. It’s not the game plan for next time, its not establishing goals for your child and it’s certainly not putting conditions or their performance.

I learned that after a meet, I tell my kids how I had fun watching what they could do, that I love to see the improvements they made. I usually add about how I enjoyed talking with other team parents. My kids know that I enjoy going to meets. Usually after a bit one of them will say, “did you see when I….?” or “Did you see how I…..? Window opens and the conversation happens. But it always comes back around to how I love watching them do their stuff.

When parents make their kids quit sports

(Almost) every child quits their sport. Some quit because they grow out of it, some quit because they find other interests, some become coaches and never quit, but that’s a separate blog post.  Some kids quit because their parents chase them out of it.

I have had parents withdraw their kids because it was too expensive or because it conflicted with family time. I have had them pull out because it conflicted with school. All of those are valid reasons to change a child’s schedule. I understand each one, and in fact we have strategized to be sure that these are infrequent issues at Gymfinity.  But statistically most kids (75%) drop out by the time they are 13.  Often in gymnastics we see kids pull away because they have a fear of having to do bigger skills and they are old enough to evaluate the risk. They are afraid. Sometimes their skills level out and they feel stagnant. That leads to frustration and the decision to leave. Again, these are reasonable and I have dealt with them all.

Unfortunately I have also dealt with kids who quit because its what they have to do to get their parents back.  I have seen parents who have identified themselves through their child’s participation.  Kids miss the mom or dad that just loves them, the one that doesn’t have performance conditions on affection.  I have seen parents more upset about a fall on beam then their own daughter. That’s not right, what control did the adult have for the event? None. Well maybe not. I have had parents coaching through the windows at the gym with complex hand signals and/or clandestine meetings in the bathroom or coat room. So maybe we can attribute that fall to the parent. (Sarcasm…sort of).  When a parent flips the roles of coach and parent it confuses the athlete and distracts them from doing their best. Kids may quit to get the roles flipped back.

“If you don’t win, people will think I am a bad parent”.  Stop laughing, I have heard this said out loud  in veiled parent speak. Often adults think that their value is based off of their  child’s performance.  I remember that when  my oldest played soccer and he was not so good. It wasn’t that he had no skill, it was that he didn’t care to play. I stood on the sidelines in rain and cold (what an awful sport for spectators) and watched my son disengage. I convinced myself that it reflected on me as a parent or worse, as a coach. In fact I remember telling him that people would think less of Gymfinity because he wouldn’t play soccer better.  Yes, I am going to a parent time out for that.  Then I realized that he was like me, he didn’t like team sports, he liked individual sports. He was, in fact, confirming my genetics through his play, ironically.  I have since learned how to better deal with my child in sports and I allow them to own their own performance. (Read more in the next Gymfinity post).   When I was so wrapped up in the game I forgot to be Owen’s dad. He had to quit (and I had to grow up) to get his dad back. I made the transformation from super-critical-man back to Clark Kent, without even using a phone booth. But there was a price to be exacted for it. My son never got to experience the fun of soccer without a 250 pound dad on his back.

Sometimes parents demonstrate their intentions to get their children to quit right in the stands at a meet.  Being upset by a score is futile. We tell our team kids that you cannot control what a judge gives you, you can only do the best you can do, at that moment, in that place. Who knows if a judge had a fight with her husband or missed her morning coffee, or maybe even had too much morning coffee. There are outside factors affecting human performance that are out of our control, so why freak out? . Kids get that; I wish they could teach their parents. I have heard parents bad mouth other athletes or judges.  I have heard them criticize facilities and even weather. All of this is affecting their child’s performance. Yeah, right.  When a child sees and hears this displeasure from a parent they feel that they have in some way disappointed their parent, or in the least, been the cause for frustration and unhappiness.  “Sorry, mom. I did my best“.  And yes  I have even seen children punished based on performance. What does it say when a little girl who loves the sport  has to take down all her gymnastics posters for 1 week because she fell off the beam? It speaks volumes. Unfortunately it tells a child that their mom and dad want them to quit so they don’t have to get punished anymore.

A great exercise is to ask your child what their goals are before a season. Most kids will say that they want to have fun or qualify to state meet. Most goals (if Gymfinity has done it’s job) are not score oriented. Let your child share some goals and then in your head ask yourself if they are the same goals you would have for them. If not, then you have to come to reality. It’s their sport, not yours.

When you can separate yourself from them and allow them to be an athlete; allow them to experience their sport and own their performance then you will have a child  that loves to play and feels fulfilled playing. When your goals are different then theirs, when you measure yourself by their performance, when you blame everything for poor play then you are opening the door for your child to quit sports. What’s worse, is that you are creating a pattern for them to be dissatisfied and non-committal for everything they do. Because they will never be able to please you. If that’s the case, good job you met your goal; but you need a parent time out to examine your behavior.